So Cliche it's not even Funny
by KT-chan88
Summary: What happens to Severus when the White Rabbit stole his wand...
1. Sev meets Rabbit

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Alice in Wonderland do not belong to me. JK Rowling and Lewis Carol are the wonderful people who created them.  
  
So Cliché It's Not Even Funny I aka Severus in Wonderland  
  
  
  
One fine gloomy day, the world (That's me) decided to make life difficult for one Severus Snape.  
  
Sooo.  
  
When the world found our favorite potions master asleep under and apple tree. A white rabbit suddenly decided to run over the professor. With a skip and a bounce, it landed right in the middle of Snape's middle.  
  
Which of course startled the potion master from la la land.  
  
An undignified squeak was squeezed out of Snape. Popping his eyes open, Snape gave the villain a venomous 'Gryffindors-are-stupid' glare. The rabbit twitched its nose, and hopped back a step. Snape change his glare from 'Gryffindors-are-stupid' to his most feared '50-points-from- Gryffindor' stare. That's when he noticed something odd about the rabbit.  
  
It was wearing trousers.  
  
And waistcoat, and glasses, and even a white shirt with cuff sleeves. It also had a very large pocket watch hanging from its trousers. But what really made the potion master mad was that it was holding a slim wooden wand. His wand to be exact.  
  
Before Snape could contemplate potions that require live rabbits to be boiled alive, the White Rabbit (Isn't it obvious?) suddenly leap up, and dashed to the opposite directions. Still holding his wand. Cries of "I'm late! I'm late!" could be heard from across the field. Of course, Severus being the calm logical, calculative person he was did the only thing he could under the circumstances.  
  
He jumped up, snarled, and ran after the White Rabbit.  
  
After some rushing around, the White Rabbit suddenly disappeared into a convenient hole. Skidding into a halt, the professor peered cautiously into the Dark Hole. As fate would have it, a small boy with glasses and a lightning shape scar accidentally bumped into him while running away from an abominably fat boy. Snape fell into the Hole.  
  
Snape, while falling, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!!"  
  
Several things past by him as he fell. A large grand piano, dancing on two legs. Pigs wearing aprons with 'Beef is Good' embroidered on it. A mouse chasing a cat. Flying penguins. Gilderoy Lockhart. You get the idea.  
  
Presently, he fell on some soft moss. Bouncing slightly on the springy green stuff, Snape caught the sight of the fleeing White Rabbit from the corner of his eye. With another snarl he rolled off the bouncy moss and gave chase. As he ran, Severus noticed that the road was going steeper and steeper. At first, he did not really paid any attention, but at a sudden curve, the road sank to a very slippery slide.  
  
After few minutes of hair raising sliding, he landed on his bruised derrière. Resisting the urge to comfort his hurting dignity and posterior, Severus stood up gingerly and caught the sight of a door that looked like an over size mouse hole. Seeing no other way out, (the slide was too slippery), he pushed open the door. To find a similar door waiting for him, only it's half the original size and another after that, and another, and another. It went on until he came to the last door, which was only as high as his knee, and it was inconveniently locked. He was about to roar with anger when a glint of gold caught his eye.  
  
Upon closer look, he saw it was a tiny gold key, lying innocently on gray stone floor. Following the logic of having a key and a locked door, Severus pushed the key into the lock, and twisted. The lock opened easily. Before he could inspect what is behind the door however, a loud 'clunk' sounded behind him. He turned, and saw a small metal cylinder rolling on the floor. He manage to catch the letters on the item however, which was 'Tear Gas, Keep Away', just before white smoke hissed out and enveloped the professor.  
  
Tears began to fall uncontrollably from Snape's eyes. Soon the whole room was flooded and the water level continues to increase. Until the pressure burst open the tiny door which was no longer tiny anymore. As he floated pass the door, he found the top part of it was higher than Hogwarts' main archway door.  
  
Curiouser and curiouser.  
  
When the flood finally receded, Severus squeezed water from his robes and picked a small crab from his nose. When he finally got his hair out of his eyes, the professor found himself surrounded by clams. Blue-green clams on white sandy beach. Before he could wonder how he ended up on the beach, the clams opened. Wide beady eyes stared at our professor. Like a lot of frightened students usually stare at the potion master.  
  
Before Snape could say anything, the clams shut. And scuttled to one side. Whispers could be heard from the clams. Curious, Severus leaned forward; the clams stopped whispering and stared at him.  
  
Clams staring at Snape, "Ooooohhh.."  
  
They went back to their whisperings. Snape decide he didn't like being ignore and sloshingly stood up. The clams stop their whisperings to look at him again. Before he could even blink, the clams scuttled forward and made a circle around him. Wide little eyes stare up at his impressive height. Severus glared down at them.  
  
The clams and Severus might have remained that way all day if the Walrus had not arrived with his flute-cum-walking stick. At the cheerful music piping from the, um, flute, several of the clams began to dance. The music continues; more clams began to dance. Happily twirling and skipping around the confused professor who was trying to figure out how clams grew feet and had shells as bonnets.  
  
With the expertise of the Pied Piper, Walrus began to dance away. The clams followed in an orderly line, still and skipping. Severus pretend not to see the biggest clam, looking somewhat like an anxious Mrs. Weasley, trying to tug a few baby clams away from the line. Ha, that's what you get for having stupid Gryffindors as children. He continued to ignore the Mother Clam until the line of Baby Clams almost disappears. Then, he couldn't ignore it anymore; the Mother Clam tried to chew his robes to bits.  
  
With a reluctant sigh, Severus trudged after the clams. Muttering something about 'stupid clams' and wishing he could curse the lot of Gryffindors into them. Sadly his transfiguration isn't that good. He wondered what kind of potions would do. He wondered how clam developed teeth and feet.  
  
He arrived non-too soon. In a fake makeshift 'restaurant', the Baby Clams had seated themselves around the table, with the Walrus on the head just finishing his speech. He'd just sent the carpenter to the kitchen for some hot sauce.  
  
Severus looked around for a weapon. Mama Clam handed him a rolling pin. Snape burst through the door in and intimidating bat like way just as the Walrus started on his sixth clam.  
  
Rolling pin: Boinnggg!!!  
  
The Walrus was sent to la la land.  
  
When the carpenter came out of the kitchen, he was met with the same fate. Whack!!! Went the mighty rolling pin.  
  
Clams, Mama and Babies : Yayy!!!  
  
Severus : Humpf!  
  
Snape walked away, wet robes swishing dramatically.  
  
Black robes : Swish! Swwiisshh!!  
  
For some odd reason, the clams decided to follow our favourite potion master. They cheered and danced happily behind the professor. It was a strange procession. A tall wizard in black swishing robes, followed by a score of tiny pink dancing clams in bonnets, happily dancing and skipping behind the professor.  
  
Finally, Snape couldn't bear the unbearable cuteness of it anymore. He whirled around angrily to yell and stomp on the clams. Fortunately, for the clams, he did not. He would have yell and stomp, only at that time, he caught the sight of a white rabbit.  
  
Yes, THE White Rabbit.  
  
Severus took off running with cheers in his wake. Long, long time after that, clams and grand clams will be telling their children and great- grand children about the Mysterious Dark Stranger, who saved a host of baby clams with only a rolling pin to arm him.  
  
Great-grand-children clams : Ooooohhh.  
  
Ahem, back to our story.  
  
Snape ran and ran after the White Rabbit, who twirled the wand a few times like a baton. Severus doubled his speed in fury. The White Rabbit turned in a corner Severus followed quickly. And tripped over a knee-high fence.  
  
Painfully, Severus picked himself off the ground. Before his eyes, past greasy strands of hair, he saw a two-storey cottage sitting comfortably in front of him. It was situated in the middle of a lush vegetable garden. But what was most important to Severus was that the White Rabbit was running up to the front door.  
  
Black eyes narrowed dangerously. With one fluid movement, he stood up, and stride most intimidatingly towards the house. He raised a fist, and started to bang on the front door. It (the door) swung opened immediately.  
  
The White Rabbit screeched into his surprised face, "About time you're back!!"  
  
Snape got over his surprise quickly. Lips curling back into a snarl, he readied himself for a scathing impassioned speech when the Rabbit grabbed his arm and dragged him into the house. Blissfully unaware of the danger he was in. The Rabbit pushed the potions master upstairs, scolding and muttering at high speed all the time.  
  
White Rabbit : You must find my gloves! The Queen will have my head chopped off if I turned up without gloves!  
  
Severus growled in his throat. Sadly, the Rabbit was already running downstairs, much too far away to appreciate it. Feeling more than a little disgruntle, Snape glared at nothing in particular. Then he glared around the room. Then, something caught his eye that made his mouth watered. A small tea table pile high with all kinds of sweets imaginable. Severus Snape has one single crippling weakness. His thrice-damn sweet tooth. (Which explains why his teeth are so yellow)  
  
Now, presented with a table full of gleaming chocolates, his resistance wavered, then crumbled to dust. He dashed over to the table with unseemly haste, and popped one sweet into his mouth. Severus closed his eyes and moaned with pleasure. Feeling the sweetness of chocolate dissolving down his throat.  
  
Now, if Severus had been a muggle born, he would have known it is unwise to eat anything in Wonderland. Anyway, as he reached for another piece, Severus found himself knocking over the small table. Sweets scattered everywhere, much to his dismay. Then, it came to his notice that everything started to shrink suddenly. Cursing, he made a grab for his wand, only to be reminded that it was missing. The window was already too small for him to stick his head out, but he could still see outside.  
  
A second realization dawned on him.  
  
The house did not shrink at all.  
  
HE was the one growing bigger.  
  
Anyway, as it turned out, he was not the only one who noticed he was engorging at a rapid rate. The White Rabbit stared in horror at the dark monstrosity that was currently destroying his house.  
  
White Rabbit : Monster! Monster! Help! Heeelp!!  
  
Severus growled, which sent the Rabbit to new heights of panic. By now the engorging spell has stopped. A little too late it seems. The roof of the two-storey house had been lifted right off the walls. With Severus' arms and legs sticking out of various doors and windows. The whole effect resembles an odd looking octopus with four tentacles.  
  
Seeing the 'monster' stuck, and unable to move, the White Rabbit grew brave. Grabbing a convenient carrot from his garden (he's a rabbit after all) the White Rabbit threw it a Severus.  
  
It hit Snape on the nose. Severus immediately snarled out a warning, but the White Rabbit was too far-gone to care. Reaching for another, larger, stick of carrot, he threw it at Snape's direction. Already angry from being stuck (literally) in a house, the potion master began to scream and shout at the Rabbit who'd started to do a weird war dance. First prancing on one leg, then the other.  
  
Occasionally throwing an odd carrot or two.  
  
Incidentally, one of the carrots found itself into Snape's screaming mouth.  
  
"GOAL!!!" Howled the White Rabbit, and did some more dancing as Severus choked.  
  
Severus' face turned blue. The White Rabbit stopped dancing and stared. Severus began to shrink as per the original story. White Rabbit ran away as Severus reduced in size. If you're wondering why, well, the Rabbit happened to glance at his watch, which pronounce him late for the Queen's party.  
  
White Rabbit : Aaahhh!!! I'm late! I'm late! The Queen will have my head if I'm late! Ugh! Forget the gloves!  
  
With that, he ran off.  
  
Ahem, back inside the house, Snape was still feeling slightly dizzy from the rapid shrinking when he noticed our scrutiny. With a quick movement, he shocked himself awake and straightened up carefully. With a grunt, he finger combed his hair and smoothed down his robes. Finally satisfied with his image from a crooked mirror, Snape left the room in a flurry of dark, slightly dusty robes.  
  
Deciding to go after the Rabbit at a more dignified pace. Severus made his way over the small gate and into a dense forest. Pretty soon, after some minutes of walking, a large flower stopped Severus. A very LARGE flower as wide as he was tall. Considering how tall the potion master is, that is one very LARGE flower.  
  
However, that was not the worst part, considering it was also Gryffindor red in color, which could be annoying enough by itself. It (the flower) has a face, a big smiley face complete with nose, mouth and eyes. Snape thought he would be sick when it wriggled flowery eyebrows suggestively at him.  
  
Severus seriously considers poisoning the White Rabbit the next time he sees it. While he was plotting the death of one White Rabbit, more flowers seemed to have emerged. Several different kinds LARGE and colorful flowers now surrounded our potion master. Some of them cooed over how handsome and delicious looking our potion master is. Obviously they have good taste. One LARGE and RED carnation even dared to poke its leafy finger at his, uh side, yes, his side. This seriously pissed off Severus Snape, who didn't like having his, um, side poked. Yes, that's it.  
  
Um, feeling extremely Not Happy, Snape reached into his pocket. The flowers drew closer. Snape pulled out a box of matches. The LARGE flowers, having no contact with match boxes before, came even closer. One daisy even dared to wrap a stalk around Snape's leg. Severus calmly strikes a match, and drops it on the stalk.  
  
Chaos ensured. 


	2. Sev meets The Queen

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Alice in Wonderland do not belong to me. JK Rowling and Lewis Carol are the wonderful people who created them.  
  
So Cliché It's Not Even Funny I aka Severus in Wonderland  
  
After some time, still feeling a little smoky from the, ahem, garden fire. Snape continued his trek through the forest. He was about to give up on finding anything but tall grasses and vines when he stumbled into a small clearing.  
  
Smack in the middle of the clearing was an enormous mushroom. With a gigantic caterpillar contently smoking a pipe on top. Severus glared at the caterpillar, for the lack of anything else to glare at. The caterpillar blew a smoke ring at him.  
  
A staring match ensured. In the end, the caterpillar won, because Severus was busy choking from the smoke. Blinking watery eyes, Severus did his best to gather his dignity. He would need all of it if he were to ask a ridiculous question.  
  
Drawing himself up, he spat, "Where the hell is this place!?"  
  
The caterpillar moved slowly, like a giant accordion. It also spoke very slowly. Much to Severus' irritation.  
  
"The right side of it, will make you grow, the left will make you shrink." The caterpillar smiled a slow smile, puffed some more on the pipe.  
  
"And what, may I ask, would that mean?" said Severus haughtily. Giving his best I-am-a-genius-and-you-are-an-idiot look.  
  
The caterpillar retaliated with a classical don't-be-silly look. Next thing he knew the caterpillar suddenly morphed into a beautiful (and enormous) butterfly, startling the poor potion master greatly.  
  
Severus glared at the caterpillar-turn-butterfly, "Well? Which side of what?!"  
  
The butterfly didn't seemed to be disturbed by Snape's Glare of Death. Flapping his paper-thin wings, he hovered a few minutes over Snape's head. When it looked like he was about to take off and leave, the butterfly called out.  
  
"Why, the mushroom of course!"  
  
And flew away.  
  
Severus continued to glare for some time. When it was obviously not helping in anyway, he sighed and began to inspect the mushroom. After making sure it was not poisoned, he broke off two pieces, placing each piece in different pockets. One on the left, and one on the right.  
  
After a little hesitation, he took a small bite at the mushroom from his right pocket. At once, he shot up several hundred feet. Blinking in surprise, he looked around, to find that he couldn't even see the large mushroom on the floor anymore.  
  
On the far right, he could see a green field. Dotted with, red and white. well, dots.  
  
Deciding that discretion is the batter part of valor, meaning he didn't want to scare away the Rabbit mush more that necessary, not before he got his wand back anyway. Severus took out the other piece of mushroom. The one in his left pocket, and gave it a tentative lick.  
  
Almost immediately, he shrank to his normal size. Big enough to step on annoying flowers and insects, but not so big that his head brushed against tree branches. With graceful movements, he swirled his robes (which magically grew and shrunk with him) around and stride confidently through the garden.  
  
After a few minutes of walking, Severus came across a small path. Having nothing better to do, he followed a cobbled road. It was fairly straight, with slight twists and turns at the oddest places. It ended with a small gate, much like the ones leading to the White Rabbit's house.  
  
Lifting his robes carefully, Severus stepped over the gate. He found himself facing a rectangular table filled with tea party food. Sandwiches of all kinds, cakes and jellies as well as tea. Lots and lots of tea, Earl Grey, smothered in lemon and honey. Just the way Severus liked it.  
  
His mouth watered, he stomach protest at the lack of food. Then, he noticed the small dormouse snoring in teapot. Rats? They have RATS on their tea table??  
  
Severus was scandalized, before he could decided whether the owner of these goodies were overly fond of rats or just lacking in the hygiene area when a loud howl caught his attention. A brown rabbit, no, no, it was a hare; the ears are too long for rabbits.  
  
Anyway, the hare wearing a red waistcoat, and pin strip trousers suddenly jumped up the table and was doing its best to jam the dormouse, and its snoring, into the teapot. A loony, crazy, March Hare it would seemed.  
  
Shouts of laughter made Severus whipped his attention to the other end of the table. Away from the two struggling animals. What he saw made him wondered whether to be glad or dismay. The laughing creature looked human enough or something like one anyway.  
  
It was dressed in all green. With a green waistcoat, green trousers, green socks, and even a green top hat. It was not the famed Slytherine green either, it sort of muddy green, mixed with acid emerald. Creating a very revolting contrast.  
  
Severus also noticed saliva was flying from that horrible red mouth. Landing straight on the tea part y food. Deciding the he's not hungry anymore, Severus abruptly turned and left the crazy trio to their saliva speckled food.  
After some time, Severus Snape, Potion Master of Hogwarts, found himself lost in a different part of the woods. It was different because, unlike the one he was in earlier, which was filled with flowers and other cute things. This one was dark and creepy, with weird creatures like pencils with wings and Potter glasses, and flying books that likes to bite.  
  
And a pink stripped grinning cat.  
  
Upon closer look, Severus found that the cat was standing on its head. Literally. Its head was grinning happily at the effect it was having on Severus; its headless, pink-stripped body was tap dancing on its head.  
  
Severus seriously considered freaking out when the cat started to juggle various body parts, still balancing on the horrible grinning head. A small door suddenly morphed out of nowhere. Severus, having encountered stranger things in this weird land, headed for the door. Anything had to be better than a crazy juggling cat.  
  
He had no idea how wrong he was.  
  
After stepping through the magical doorway, Severus found himself falling face first into a soft comfy bush. Angrily, he stood up, spitting green leaves that looked suspiciously like feathers. He turned to glare at the 'door', which he now noticed floated about two feet above ground.  
  
Following an impulse, he picked up a convenient rock. Threw it at the doorway a split second before it disappears. A horrible yowl that followed made him feel very good indeed.  
  
Feeling marginally satisfied with the world, for once. Severus gave his new surroundings a once over. That's when he saw what the red and white dots were. Hearts playing cards!  
  
All of them were the same size, about a couple of inches taller than he. All sporting the same hearts pattern, although their value ranged from Aces to Jacks. No Kings or Queens.  
  
Severus glared at a bunch of cards nearest to him. There were three of them. All were too busy, trying to paint green apples red, to take notice of him. After realizing his glares were useless, Severus went up to ask what they were doing.  
  
Snape, "What, in Salazar's name are you four doing?"  
  
The Card nearest to him slopped more paint on his brush, "We are trying to paint the apples red.  
  
Severus' eyes narrowed, "Why, thank you for stating the painfully obvious," He said sarcastically, "Now, /why/ are you painting the apples red?"  
  
He folded his arms and sneered at them for good measure.  
  
Card no 1, which, incidentally, was an Ace sighed, "I'm afraid we are not very good gardeners, the last time we tried to plant red roses, we ended up with white."  
  
Severus raised his eyebrows.  
  
"It was absolutely horrible, the last gardeners had their heads chopped off!" 'Ace' shivered in fear.  
  
A sliver of sympathy slide through Severus. But, he told himself, there's nothing he could do here. Not without his wand anyway. With a huff, he made as if to leave, when a blast of trumpet music rose in the air.  
  
With a shriek, the cards threw themselves to the ground. Reflexively, due to his services to his old boss, Severus did the same. The trumpeting continues.  
  
Presently, a large threatening shadow loomed over them. A loud booming voice boomed out.  
  
"MY APPLES!! WHAT HAPPEN TO MY APPLES!!"  
  
Severus winced from the impact.  
  
A tiny voice, very much like Flitwick's, piped up soothingly, "There, there now, my dear. I'm sure we can find out."  
  
A little man, no more than three feet tall, scuttled out from behind the Queen. He waved a small stick, with a red heart at the tip, threateningly at the bowed figures. Severus swallowed to keep from laughing out loud.  
  
"What happen the Queen's apples," he squeaked.  
  
Ace, who was on Severus' right, trembled, "I, um, my King, we uh."  
  
Severus glared at the useless card. Obviously it is now up to him and his incredible verbal skills to get them out of trouble. With impressive fake confidence, he rose to his full height.  
  
"My Lord, you have my full promise the apples will be red."  
  
"They will?" The king looked puzzled.  
  
"Will they?" The cards wondered.  
  
"RED? THEY ARE GREEN!!" The Queen bellowed.  
  
"Oh, yes, yes, green indeed." The Rabbit said absently, fingering the trumpet.  
  
Severus' eyes gleamed, but this time, he did not rush at the Rabbit. As a Hogwarts' teacher worthy of Salazar's house, he will get his wand back with cunning, intelligence and sly.  
  
"Yes, my Queen." He said smoothly, "I can show you, however."  
  
"WHAT!!"  
  
The ground trembled.  
  
Severus pretended to look distressed. "No, no, I cannot ask of that."  
  
"TELL ME THIS INSTANT, OR HEADS WILL ROLL!!!"  
  
Success! Severus smirked inwardly.  
  
Aloud, he said, "I can reveal the apples' true color. If, that is, the White Rabbit is willing to hand me. something, I need."  
  
"The White Rabbit!?" The others chorus.  
  
White Rabbit trembled with excitement and fright.  
  
Severus nodded solemnly.  
  
The king, "And what would that be?"  
  
Severus paused, "What I need, is that stick."  
  
The reaction he got was unexpected. The White Rabbit gave a howl of protest. The king exclaimed in puzzlement and the rest just buzz noisily.  
  
"SILENCE!!" Screamed the Queen. Everyone shut up.  
  
"GOOD!" said the Queen, then, turning to Severus sweetly, "Now, my dear boy, do you play croquet?"  
  
Severus blinked, "Croquet?"  
  
"EXCELLENT!!" Obviously she's ignoring what else he has to say. "Set up the men! Get the clubs! We are playing CROQUET!!"  
  
The ground shuddered in sympathy as Severus was dragged away.  
  
Croquet, as Severus soon discovered, was played with colorful flamingos as sticks and rolled up hedgehogs as balls. Card soldiers formed as posts for the ball to roll through.  
  
The Queen played first.  
  
She gave the flamingo a mighty whirl, and smacked the hedgehog hard. The hedgehog ball rolled across the lawn, various card soldiers hopped quickly into strategic place, all except the last one. Instead of rolling through, the ball rolled right past him.  
  
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!"  
  
The soldier was dragged away.  
  
Clearly, it was a dangerous game. Severus, of course, was too smart to be tricked into a dodgy game like this. He would have to play along of course, until opportunity smiles at him.  
  
Grabbing a green flamingo, and giving it the Death Glare when it tried to go limp, he gave the 'stick' an expert twirl and hit the hedgehog with deadly precision. The ball, unfortunately, hit the Queen, smack in the middle of her face.  
  
Although it is extremely undignified, Severus decided to run away.  
  
The Queen is very upset of course, screams of 'Off with his head!' rang behind him as he ran. He could hear the pattering feet of the cards running after him. They rush after Severus, who failed to retrieve his wand. When he saw the Rabbit snacking on one end, he decided to abandon the wooden stick. Damn Rabbit!  
  
He ran, and ran, and he tripped over.  
  
Cards piled on top of him.  
  
Severus fought hard to claw his way out. His fist connected with someone's head with a satisfying clang. Dimly, he could hear the cards cursing him.  
  
"You Slimy git!" "He bit me!" "That Bastard!" "Wake up Idiot!" "Ouch!"  
  
He continued to fight.  
  
"Wake up!" "Stop it!" "Severus!"  
  
"WAKE UP!!"  
  
Severus woke up. 


End file.
